A Father's Dilemma
Here is one ... we'll cover the other one thousand in due time :)
3 seconds read 🏃🏻♂️
As fathers, we often face profound dilemmas - 1,001 of them, here is one:
Should we shield our children from the complexities of life and focusing on spending quality time with them? Or should we let them witness the hard work, sacrifices, and challenges we endure to provide for the family?
This choice shapes not only our relationship with them but also the values they carry into their future, and linked to many aspects of their life too.
3 minutes read 🚶🏻♂️
Fatherhood is a balancing act between two compelling priorities.
1️⃣ On one hand, there’s the desire to create a safe, joyful, and carefree environment for our children - a sanctuary where they can thrive without the weight of adult concerns.
2️⃣ On the other hand, there’s the opportunity to teach them resilience, perseverance, and the value of hard work by allowing them to see the effort and dedication it takes to navigate life’s challenges.
This duality what makes fatherhood both very rewarding and deeply challenging. Hence why I often say that fatherhood is a meaningful chaos. 😄
Spending more time with our kids often means prioritizing their happiness and emotional well-being. It’s about being present for their milestones, sharing laughter, and creating memories that will anchor them in love and security.
These moments are fleeting, and many fathers fear missing out on them, especially in the face of demanding careers or personal ambitions.
The joy of hearing your child’s first words, watching them take their first steps, or celebrating their achievements is irreplaceable. These experiences build a foundation of trust and emotional connection that can last a lifetime.
I had this realization when I missed step number 4 to 22 for my daughter Keira.
Let me elaborate. 😄
October 2015, that was the time when I changed responsibility from variety of back office roles to the extreme front role - which is doing sales for variety of solutions that were offered by the company that I worked for back then.
On top of that, I covered a region which includes diverse countries : Singapore, Thailand, Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos and Myanmar.
That meant I had to travelled. A lot. All despite my attempts to limit it as much as I could, because Keira was less than one year old when I got that opportunity to change the direction of my career within the same company.
So one day after witnessing her took her first steps - 3 steps to be exact - I had to travelled to present a new software solution to our customer in Thailand.
Few days later when I came back to Singapore, Keira was able to take 22 steps!
That's when I realized how true the Javanese saying about fleeting moments and that how brief and transient life is.
“Urip mung mampir ngopi."
Which translate to "Life is just a stopover for coffee."
However, the pressure to be present in every moment can sometimes feel overwhelming, particularly when weighed against the demands of providing for the family.
That being said, shielding children entirely from the realities of life may come at a cost. By hiding the struggles and sacrifices we make, we risk depriving them of valuable lessons. When children see their fathers working hard, facing setbacks, and overcoming obstacles, they learn that success isn’t handed out, it’s earned!
They begin to understand the importance of perseverance, grit, and the ability to adapt to challenges. These lessons are not just about preparing them for the workforce or future responsibilities; they are about equipping them with the emotional and mental resilience needed to navigate life’s inevitable ups and downs.
"The dilemma lies in finding the balance and harmony."
How do we ensure our children feel loved and supported while also preparing them for the realities of life? How much of our struggles should we share, and how much should we protect them from? These are questions every father must grapple with, and the answers often depend on personal values, family dynamics, and the unique needs of each child.
💁🏻♂️ For some fathers, the answer may lie in creating intentional moments of connection. This could mean setting aside specific times during the week to focus solely on family, free from distractions like work emails or social media.
These moments, whether they involve playing a game, reading a bedtime story, or simply talking about their day, can reinforce a child’s sense of security and belonging. At the same time, these fathers might choose to share age-appropriate insights into their work or personal challenges, framing these conversations as opportunities to teach life lessons.
🙋🏻♂️ Other fathers might take a different approach, integrating their children into their daily routines and responsibilities. For example, bringing a child to work for a day or involving them in household projects can provide a glimpse into the effort and dedication required to manage life’s demands.
These experiences can be eye-opening for children, helping them appreciate the value of hard work and the sacrifices their parents make. However, this approach requires careful consideration to ensure that the exposure is constructive rather than overwhelming. Children, especially younger ones, may not yet have the emotional capacity to process complex adult issues, and it’s important to shield them from unnecessary stress.
⚠️ On this note, I have seen many children that do NOT want to follow the footstep of their parents and in some extreme cases, they refuse to continue taking care of family business that has been built by their parents. Come to think about it, I don't think it's just because they are being rebellious, it's also quite possible that they were exposed to the business in an overwhelming manner.
The challenge of balancing these priorities is further complicated by societal expectations and cultural norms. In many cultures, fathers are traditionally seen as providers, tasked with ensuring the family’s financial stability. This role often comes with the implicit expectation that fathers should prioritize work over family time. How true is this for you in the culture that you have been brought up or the one that you are currently living in?
While this narrative is slowly evolving, with more fathers embracing active and nurturing roles in their children’s lives, the tension between these responsibilities remains. Fathers may feel torn between the desire to be present for their children and the need to fulfil their role as providers, leading to feelings of guilt or inadequacy.
Moreover, the modern world presents its own set of challenges. The rise of remote work and the blurring of boundaries between professional and personal life have made it harder for fathers to fully disconnect from their jobs. Although to be fair, it comes with many benefits and I fully support the idea that people should be given the choice and flexibility where they want to work - provided they are able to continue performing at their best and get the job done.
At the same time, the increasing emphasis on work-life harmony and mental health has highlighted the importance of being present and engaged in family life. Navigating these conflicting pressures requires not only practical strategies but also a deep understanding of one’s values and priorities.
Ultimately, the key to resolving this dilemma may lie in embracing flexibility and adaptability. Fatherhood is not a one-size-fits-all journey, and what works for one family may not work for another. By remaining open to change and willing to experiment with different approaches, fathers can find a balance that aligns with their unique circumstances and goals. This might involve setting boundaries around work hours, seeking support from a partner or community, or simply being honest with oneself about what truly matters.
As fathers, we must also recognize the importance of self-care. It’s easy to become so focused on meeting our children’s needs that we neglect our own well-being.
Taking time to rest, recharge, and pursue personal interests is not selfish - it’s essential. A father who is physically and emotionally healthy is better equipped to provide for his family and serve as a positive role model. By demonstrating the importance of balance and self-care, fathers can teach their children valuable lessons about prioritizing their own well-being.
In the end, the question of how to balance these priorities is deeply personal. There is no right or wrong answer, and the path each father chooses will depend on his values, circumstances, and the needs of his family. What matters most is that we approach this journey with intention and mindfulness, striving to create a legacy of love, resilience, and understanding. By doing so, we can help our children grow into compassionate, capable adults who are prepared to navigate the complexities of life.
3x mindful read 🧘🏻♂️
Fatherhood involves making strategic choices, particularly in balancing time and energy between spending quality time with our children and preparing them for life's realities. So, what can we do?
If you have found the ultimate playbook to be a great father, please let me know. 🙂 In the meanwhile, I'm sharing some of the pointers below that might be helpful to navigate this balance effectively.
Schedule Quality Time
You find yourself constantly juggling work deadlines, meetings, and personal commitments. By the time you’re free, your children are already asleep, and you feel a pinch of guilt for missing another day of connection. Weekends come and go in a blur, leaving you wondering if you’re truly present in their lives. If you haven't, you should definitely watch the movie "Click" by Adam Sandlers, IMHO it's an underrated masterpiece.
Quality time doesn’t have to be elaborate or time-consuming. It’s about consistency and presence. A 15-minute bedtime story or a quick game of catch in the backyard can mean the world to your child. The key is to make these moments non-negotiable and distraction-free. Did you know that the 3-minutes window before your children fall asleep and when they wake up are the one that will create a long-lasting emotional connection and impact?
What small, consistent rituals can you create to connect with your children daily?
How do you ensure these moments remain a priority despite your busy schedule?
Are you fully present during these times, or are distractions getting in the way?
Btw, I wrote about the importance of mini-dates the other day, it could be one of the best forms for quality times with your children. Check it out in the post below.
Model Work-Life Harmony
You often feel torn between the demands of work and the desire to spend time with your family. There’s a nagging thought that you’re not doing enough in either area, leaving you feeling stretched thin and inadequate.
Finding harmony goes beyond the idea of balance. It’s about creating a seamless flow between work and family life that reflects your values and priorities. By integrating meaningful moments, like family dinners or taking time to recharge, you demonstrate that rest, connection, and hard work can coexist without competing.
How can you align your work and family life to create a sense of harmony?
What intentional practices can you adopt to show your children the value of a fulfilling, integrated life?
Are you fostering a harmonious flow, or are you caught in the pursuit of unattainable balance?
Involve Children in Everyday Tasks
You might notice your children spending more time on screens while you handle household chores. You wish they would engage more but worry about overwhelming them with responsibilities.
Instead of being frustrated on your own, have you considered breaking the pattern by asking them to help? Over time they will offer their help without being asked. True story. 😄
Including your children in tasks like cooking or gardening not only teaches them life skills but also creates opportunities for bonding. These shared moments can help them appreciate the effort it takes to maintain a household while fostering a sense of teamwork.
How can you make everyday tasks more engaging and enjoyable?
What life skills can they learn by participating in these activities?
Are you creating an environment where they feel valued and included?
Discuss Challenges Openly
You hesitate to share your struggles with your children, fearing it might burden them. At the same time, you want them to understand the realities of life and the value of perseverance.
One of the hardest moments for me was to shared with Keira - who was 8 years old back then - that I lost my job after the market unit that I was leading was closed.
But I figured that she was old enough to understand the situation - including my emotional roller coaster at that time - and hopefully learn something from the experience. While sharing the news to her, I also reassured her at the same time that everything is going to be even better than before.
Sharing age-appropriate insights about your work and challenges can help your children see that success requires effort and resilience. Framing these conversations as teachable moments allows them to learn without feeling overwhelmed.
How can you share experiences in a way that inspires rather than burdens them?
What lessons do you want your children to take away from your challenges?
Are you creating opportunities for meaningful conversations about perseverance?
Encourage Problem-Solving
You find yourself stepping in to solve your children’s problems, wanting to shield them from frustration. However, you realize this might hinder their ability to develop independence and resilience.
Each time Keira or Liam facing some challenges, I will intentionally observed and let them handle it. Sometimes I will let them know that I will be there in case they need support. Sometimes they already asked me immediately, and in that case I will ask them to try their best first, giving few suggestions on what they could do to solve the challenge.
Encouraging your children to tackle age-appropriate challenges helps them build confidence and problem-solving skills. By supporting them without taking over, you empower them to navigate obstacles on their own.
How can you create a safe space for your children to face challenges?
What strategies can you use to guide them without solving the problem for them?
Are you helping them develop the resilience they’ll need for the future?
Create a Supportive Environment
You want your home to be a place where your children feel safe and valued, but sometimes the chaos of daily life makes it hard to maintain open communication.
Fostering an environment of trust and understanding starts with encouraging your children to express their thoughts and feelings. By listening actively and validating their emotions, you reinforce their sense of security and belonging.
Validating their emotions is not always obvious, but it is an important part of their growth. Actually, it continues to be an important part of our own growth as parents.
How can you create a home where your children feel comfortable sharing their thoughts, ideas and opinions?
Are you actively listening to their concerns, or are distractions getting in the way?
What steps can you take to strengthen their sense of emotional safety?
Set Realistic Expectations
You compare your family’s dynamics to others and feel pressure to meet unrealistic standards. This leaves you questioning whether you’re doing enough as a father.
Every family is unique, and what works for one may not work for another. Tailoring your approach to meet your family’s specific needs ensures that your efforts are both effective and sustainable.
How can you focus on what works best for your family rather than comparing yourself to others?
Are your expectations aligned with your family’s unique circumstances?
What steps can you take to embrace flexibility and adaptability in your parenting?
I hope these pointers could be useful for you to effectively balance nurturing your children's emotional well-being with preparing them for the complexities of life, while at the same time strengthens your family bonds.
Let’s Switch ON and keep doing our best! ✨
Loved the post, took me back to this scroll line : The man who never leaves his street does not echo—he roots the street, he holds the beat. https://thehiddenclinic.substack.com/p/the-echo-and-the-root